In a stunning turn of events that could only make sense in the hallowed halls of U.S. Congress, lawmakers have finally passed another aid package to Ukraine, months after the last installment of “freedom funds” seemed to get lost in political purgatory. But not before several House Republicans made a peculiar pit stop on social media to apologize to Vladimir Putin for the inconvenience.
“Sorry for the hold-up, Vladdy,” tweeted one apologetic congressman, whose profile picture features him hugging an American flag, perhaps too tightly. “Had to make sure the aid wasn’t just a deep state plot to make us look empathetic.”
The aid package, which was urgently requested approximately “too many months ago” by Ukrainian officials, comes at a time when the need could not be more desperate or the irony more bitter. Critics of the delay suggest that the speed of Congress could be measured in glaciers rather than cheetahs.
“It’s incredible,” remarked an anonymous staffer from Capitol Hill. “We’ve seen molasses move faster in January. But when it comes to political theater, no one puts on a better show than Congress. They’ll hold a four-hour hearing about the existential threat of avocado toast before they vote on wartime aid.”
This latest legislative action—or reaction, depending on whom you ask—highlights the peculiar priorities of U.S. foreign aid. While money flows like a river to allies who boast military arsenals rivaling small galaxies, Ukraine had to practically perform a song and dance to remind Congress that they were still under invasion.
“Every few months, we just remind them we’re still here and still being invaded,” explained a Ukrainian diplomat, who requested anonymity due to not wanting to be the next apology recipient on Twitter. “We thought about sending them daily postcards with pictures of our borders, or maybe inviting them to a live Zoom call from the front lines.”
Meanwhile, back in Washington, the passing of the aid package has been met with mixed reactions. Supporters herald it as a critical support for democracy, while critics decry it as the equivalent of sending Thanksgiving leftovers in late January.
“We wanted to make sure the aid was just right,” defended one senator, seen later adjusting his turtle-themed tie. “Too early, and it might actually prevent disaster. Too late, and, well—what’s the point if there’s no one left to help?”
As the dust settles on this chapter of congressional antics, the world watches and waits to see what comes next. Will the aid arrive in time to make a difference, or will it be another token gesture, delivered with all the urgency of a continental drift?
In any case, Ukraine has thanked Congress for finally passing the aid, though their thank you card reportedly got lost in the mail—a fitting end to a saga of bureaucratic benevolence.
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