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Posts published in “Lifestyle”

American Tourist Disappointed to Learn Safari Animals Not as Docile as in “The Lion King”

Hakuna Matata Mayhem: Tourist Demands Refund After Lion Refuses to Sing, Antelope Declines Friendship A disgruntled American tourist is threatening legal action after a Kenyan safari experience failed to live up to her expectations, largely based on repeated viewings of “The Lion King.” Karen Thompson, sporting a pith helmet and a bewildered expression, has filed a complaint alleging “false advertising” and “emotional distress caused by uncooperative wildlife.” “The brochure promised adventure,”…

The Great Toilet Paper Heist: How 2020 Became the Year of Loo Roll Larceny

In the annals of bizarre historical events, 2020 holds a special place for a heist most audacious. Forget bank vaults or precious jewels – the hot commodity triggering unprecedented global panic was far more… pedestrian. Behold, Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) explores the infamous toilet paper frenzy, proof that in times of crisis, our basic instincts kick in…along with a hefty dose of irrationality. Exhibit A: The Bare Necessities As whispers…

Plants Feel Pain: The End of Vegetarianism As We Know It?

Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) – In a revelation that has shaken the foundations of dietary ethics worldwide, a groundbreaking (and entirely fictitious) study claims to have uncovered incontrovertible evidence that plants can feel pain. This bombshell discovery has sent shockwaves through the vegetarian and vegan communities, with the provocative headline “Vegetarianism Cancelled” leading the charge in a satirical swipe at dietary moral high grounds. The Root of the Matter Conducted…

7 Overrated Things We Need to Stop Pretending to Like

7 Overrated Things We Need to Stop Pretending to Like(Controversial food, ‘classic’ movies…proceed with caution) In our relentless pursuit of cultural validation, we often find ourselves caught up in a whirlwind of hyped trends and supposed ‘must-likes’. The Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) is taking a stand, peeling back the veneer of social conformity to reveal the plain truth about some of society’s most overrated entities. Dive headfirst into this tongue-in-cheek…

5 Ways to Pretend You’re Living in a Dystopian Novel Instead of Just 2024

In a world that’s ever-shifted towards the surreal, who hasn’t fantasized about stepping into the boots of a brooding revolutionary, the linchpin in a society teetering on the brink of collapse? As we oscillate between reality and the eerie semblance of a narrative penned in the throes of creative dystopian frenzy, many are seeking ways to embrace the chaos, if only to endure it with a touch of panache. To guide…

Local Man, 30, Still Waiting for His Hogwarts Letter

Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) – In a small, rather unremarkable town that could be anywhere but is nowhere near the hidden twists and turns of Diagon Alley, Kevin Potterson’s tale (not to be mistaken for the ‘boy who lived’, though he harbors a silent yearning for such a connection) has woven itself into the very fabric of the place. At 30 years of age, Kevin’s unwavering belief in the existence…

Dogs to Sue Humanity for Emotional Damages Over Baby Talk, ‘We’re Not Babies, Karen’

A collective of canines has filed a landmark lawsuit against humanity for years of emotional damages caused by baby talk. This groundbreaking case, dubbed “Fido vs. The Human Race,” aims to address the widespread and demeaning practice of speaking to dogs in a high-pitched, overly-simplistic manner, commonly known as baby talk. Lead plaintiff, a dapper golden retriever named Max, sporting a meticulously tied necktie and glasses, eloquently stated, “Woof! I mean,…

Experts Confirm: The Best Way to Look Rich is to Tell Everyone You’re Broke

Financial and fashion experts have come together to confirm what many in high society have whispered for years: the ultimate secret to appearing fabulously wealthy is to constantly tell everyone how broke you are. This paradoxical strategy, long observed but only now officially recognized, flips traditional notions of wealth and status on their head, mocking the often absurd nature of social status and material wealth. “The less you claim to have,…

Miracle Diet Pill Discovered: Simply Swallow Your Pride

Scientists have announced the discovery of a revolutionary new diet pill that promises significant weight loss with minimal effort. The secret ingredient? Your own pride. This innovative new product, aptly named “PrideAway,” offers a unique solution to those stubborn pounds, requiring users to do nothing more than swallow their pride. “It’s remarkably simple,” explains Dr. Ego Downsize, the lead researcher behind PrideAway. “Our studies have shown that excessive pride and ego…

Government Reveals New Retirement Age: Five Years After Death

The government has announced a groundbreaking update to its retirement policy: the official retirement age has now been set to five years post-mortem. This new guideline, which officials are calling a “pragmatic approach to economic sustainability,” aims to address the growing concerns over pension fund solvency and the increasing longevity of the population. “We’ve looked at the numbers, and the reality is stark,” stated a government spokesperson during the press conference.…

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