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Posts published in “Health”

Surgeon General Warning: Social Media Found to Be Leading Cause of Brain Cell Deflation

The U.S. Surgeon General has issued a stark new warning, labeling social media as the leading cause of brain cell deflation, marking the first time a government health agency has officially recognized the cognitive drain associated with prolonged exposure to online platforms. The report describes how each scroll, like, and share might be puncturing critical thinking skills and inflating egos to dangerous sizes. In a sweeping review of the situation, health…

The Great Toilet Paper Heist: How 2020 Became the Year of Loo Roll Larceny

In the annals of bizarre historical events, 2020 holds a special place for a heist most audacious. Forget bank vaults or precious jewels – the hot commodity triggering unprecedented global panic was far more… pedestrian. Behold, Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) explores the infamous toilet paper frenzy, proof that in times of crisis, our basic instincts kick in…along with a hefty dose of irrationality. Exhibit A: The Bare Necessities As whispers…

Plants Feel Pain: The End of Vegetarianism As We Know It?

Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) – In a revelation that has shaken the foundations of dietary ethics worldwide, a groundbreaking (and entirely fictitious) study claims to have uncovered incontrovertible evidence that plants can feel pain. This bombshell discovery has sent shockwaves through the vegetarian and vegan communities, with the provocative headline “Vegetarianism Cancelled” leading the charge in a satirical swipe at dietary moral high grounds. The Root of the Matter Conducted…

Is Gaza’s Hospital Outage an Israeli Bid for a New Guinness World Record?

In a world where records are broken every day—from the longest pizza to the most people twerking simultaneously—rumors have emerged that Israel is now eyeing a less conventional, more controversial Guinness World Record: the “Longest Time a Population Survived Without Medical Facilities.” This comes in the wake of the devastating news that Gaza’s last operational hospital was destroyed, leaving the region in an unprecedented healthcare crisis. Critics and satirists alike have…

The Gaza Diet: IDF Praises benefits of eating grass

Touted as the cutting-edge in involuntary weight loss, the “Gaza Diet” emerges from the world’s most contested open-air locale, presenting a lifestyle so minimalist, it redefines the concept of ‘diet’. In an era where boutique diet plans and exotic superfoods dominate headlines, the Gaza Diet strips back the frills, focusing on the bare essentials—or the lack thereof. This exclusive preview delves into how a blockade-induced scarcity of food, medicine, and fuel…

Miracle Diet Pill Discovered: Simply Swallow Your Pride

Scientists have announced the discovery of a revolutionary new diet pill that promises significant weight loss with minimal effort. The secret ingredient? Your own pride. This innovative new product, aptly named “PrideAway,” offers a unique solution to those stubborn pounds, requiring users to do nothing more than swallow their pride. “It’s remarkably simple,” explains Dr. Ego Downsize, the lead researcher behind PrideAway. “Our studies have shown that excessive pride and ego…

Government Reveals New Retirement Age: Five Years After Death

The government has announced a groundbreaking update to its retirement policy: the official retirement age has now been set to five years post-mortem. This new guideline, which officials are calling a “pragmatic approach to economic sustainability,” aims to address the growing concerns over pension fund solvency and the increasing longevity of the population. “We’ve looked at the numbers, and the reality is stark,” stated a government spokesperson during the press conference.…

New Study Finds 100% of Humans Will Eventually Die, Recommends Living Anyway

In what can only be described as the least surprising yet most affirming study of the century, researchers have concluded that 100% of humans will, at some point, face mortality. Despite these daunting odds, the study’s authors have issued a bold recommendation: to embrace life and live it to the fullest. This groundbreaking revelation was accompanied by a mock public health announcement, urging people everywhere to confront the inevitability of death…

How to Spend Your Entire Salary on Artisanal Coffee and Still Feel Financially Responsible

Welcome to the latest feature from Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN), where we explore the fine line between satire and sage guidance for the modern epicurean. Today, we delve into a provocative doctrine for the most devoted of coffee enthusiasts. If you’ve ever contemplated turning your passion into a way of life, get ready to redefine your financial mantra. Coffee is more than a morning ritual; it’s a craft, a calling,…

The Evolutionary Triumph of Introverts: Solitude as the New Social Currency

Scientists have declared introversion not just a personality trait, but the next significant leap in human evolution. “Socializing is so primitive,” declares the study, suggesting that those who find solace in solitude are ahead of the evolutionary curve. Silence is Golden, Solitude is Bliss According to researchers from the fictitious Global Institute for Evolutionary Progress (GIEP), centuries of human interaction have been nothing but a prelude to the pinnacle of evolutionary…

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