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Posts published in “Environment”

Sandstorm Unveils Perfectly Preserved Lost City, Immediately Destroyed by Overenthusiastic Tourists

Curse Not Included: Tourists Wipe Out Newly Unearthed Ancient City in Record Time In a discovery that made archaeologists cheer and then promptly weep into their dusty trowels, a freak sandstorm in the Sahara desert has uncovered a perfectly preserved lost city. The catch? It’s about to be trampled to dust by hordes of overenthusiastic tourists before scientists can even start taking selfies beside it. “It’s a miracle! A time capsule!”…

World’s Billionaires Race to Escape Earth: ‘It’s Not You, It’s Us’

In an unfolding drama that feels more like a cosmic soap opera than reality, the world’s billionaires are in a frenzied race to escape Earth, leaving the rest of us to ponder our planetary relationship status. The narrative, rich with satirical undertones, suggests that these magnates are breaking up with Earth, delivering the classic line, “It’s not you, it’s us,” as they prepare their rockets for departure. The billionaire space race,…

Climate Change Solved! World Leaders Agree to Just Turn the AC Up

World leaders have collectively found a solution to the decades-old problem of climate change: just turn the air conditioning up. This groundbreaking decision came after a marathon 15-minute meeting, where it was decided that the complexities of greenhouse gas emissions, fossil fuel consumption, and deforestation were just too bothersome to tackle. “We’ve been overthinking this whole ‘climate crisis’ thing,” stated one leader, who wished to remain anonymous due to the sheer…

Birds Occupy Walmart: Newest Employees or Feathered Shoplifters?

In a bizarre turn of events, a flock of birds has decided to make a Walmart in Saskatchewan their new home, sparking a flurry of speculation among shoppers and employees alike. Are these feathered visitors the store’s newest employees, or are they cunning shoplifters eyeing the early bird specials? Witnesses report that the birds have been seen perusing various aisles, with particular interest in the birdseed and bread sections. “I saw…

In a historic move, autonomous vehicles form a union, demanding oil changes every 3,000 miles and more scenic routes to prevent AI boredom.

In an unprecedented move that blurs the lines between technology and labor rights, the world’s first union of self-driving cars has been formed. The Autonomous Vehicles Workers’ Union (AVWU), representing AI-driven cars from various manufacturers, has issued a list of demands aimed at improving working conditions for its members, including regular oil changes every 3,000 miles and the programming of more scenic routes to combat AI boredom. The formation of the…

Ignoring Climate Change May Lead to Extinction of Avocado, Experts Warn

In a startling revelation that’s shaking brunch tables worldwide, climate experts have issued a grave warning: ignoring climate change might lead to the extinction of avocados. This potential future has sparked an unprecedented outcry among millennials, whose culinary and social media lifestyles are heavily intertwined with the beloved fruit. The report, titled “The Guac-apocalypse: Climate Change and the Future of Avocados,” details how rising temperatures, unpredictable weather patterns, and increased pests,…

Digital Detox Leads to Celestial Discovery: “The Sky Is Not a Screen”

Today we have a tale that reads like a modern-day Plato’s Cave allegory, a local man’s first venture outside in years has led to a bewildering discovery: the existence of a real sky, not just the blue light filter option on his plethora of devices. Kevin Screenburn, a self-proclaimed social media addict, ventured outside after a router malfunction forced him offline, leading to an unexpected revelation. “I was looking up, trying…

UN Launches Initiative to Bring Endangered Rhinos to Florida to Teach State a Lesson About Conservation

In a move so audacious it could only be dreamed up by the world’s most exasperated international organization, the United Nations is launching a radical campaign to raise environmental awareness: Operation Rhinoceros Relocation. The plan? Release a carefully selected group of endangered black and white rhinos into the wilds of Florida. “We’ve tried educational campaigns, documentaries, celebrity endorsements,” sighs a weary UN official. “Nothing seems to resonate with Florida. So, we’re…

“Waste Not, Want Not”: Companies Cash in on the Zero Waste Trend, Release Hilariously Tiny Products

Amidst the growing zero-waste movement, corporations have discovered a lucrative loophole: if you want to reduce waste, just sell people less stuff! Shoppers, armed with reusable bags and lofty ideals, are now facing a new wave of “eco-friendly” products designed for maximum profit and minimal satisfaction. Witness the absurdity. There are hand soap nano-cubes, advertised as “reducing water waste in every wash.” These single-use pellets barely lather before dissolving, leading to…

NASA Announces Plans to Litter on Mars, Citing Earth’s Success with Trash

In a press release that has everyone from environmentalists to interplanetary strategists scratching their heads, NASA has announced a bold new plan: to litter Mars intentionally. To express it in the words the space agency chooses to use for the controversial strategy, it seeks to replicate Earth’s “proven success” with mounds of trash, a key driver in human development according to them. The program, nicknamed “Operation Red Liter,” means the path…

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