U.S. and U.K. Announce New Policy: Right to Defend Yourself (Terms and Conditions Apply)

In a move that shocked absolutely no one but still managed to make headlines, the United States and the United Kingdom have unveiled a joint policy initiative that firmly establishes the right to self-defense—as long as you’re on the right side of their foreign policy. This groundbreaking policy, aptly titled “Do As We Say, Not As We Do,” cleverly outlines who can claim self-defense and under what circumstances.

At a glitzy press conference, held simultaneously in Washington and London, spokespeople unveiled the new policy with a flair typically reserved for reality TV reveals. “Today, we make it clear: defending oneself is a fundamental right,” declared the U.S. Secretary of State, flanked by a giant flowchart. “However, please refer to the attached handbook for the applicable conditions, sub-conditions, and the pre-approved list of countries eligible for this right.”

The U.K. Foreign Secretary added, “It’s all about keeping things orderly. We can’t have nations just deciding on their own that they’re under threat and acting on it. Where would we be if everyone just started defending themselves willy-nilly?”

The handbook, which is a hefty 300 pages with fine print, details the criteria for invoking self-defense. Key points include:

• Whether the country has been featured positively in the last five Hollywood blockbusters.
• The current state of trade deals and arms sales with the U.S. and U.K.
• A points system based on historical allegiance, with bonus points for past participation in coalition forces.

Critics have called the policy “revolutionarily redundant,” arguing it merely formalizes the longstanding practice of selective international law enforcement. Meanwhile, supporters have praised its clarity. “It’s like a loyalty program,” one enthusiastic senator explained. “Earn enough points, and you get to defend your nation!”

Social media reaction has been swift and satirical, with memes depicting global leaders racing to check if their country is on the ‘nice’ list or the ‘naughty’ list this year. One popular GIF shows a world leader flipping through the handbook frantically as missiles fly overhead, trying to find the page that says they can shoot back.

As the policy takes effect, the international community watches keenly to see how it will be implemented. Meanwhile, nations not on the pre-approved list are reportedly considering pooling their resources to produce a blockbuster movie or two, hoping to sway public opinion—and policy—in their favor.