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Posts published in “Working Life”

Government Reveals New Retirement Age: Five Years After Death

The government has announced a groundbreaking update to its retirement policy: the official retirement age has now been set to five years post-mortem. This new guideline, which officials are calling a “pragmatic approach to economic sustainability,” aims to address the growing concerns over pension fund solvency and the increasing longevity of the population. “We’ve looked at the numbers, and the reality is stark,” stated a government spokesperson during the press conference.…

Corporations Embrace New Ethical Guideline: ‘Just Don’t Get Caught’

Deep Dive into the “Just Don’t Get Caught” Ethos The simplistic allure of the “Just Don’t Get Caught” philosophy reflects a game-changing attitude within corporate corridors. No longer shackled by the lofty aspirations of corporate ethics, companies embracing this approach reveal a raw form of pragmatism that strips away moral pretenses. This pivot towards moral minimalism is less about encouraging wrongdoing and more about an unveiled acknowledgment of the realpolitik of…

Artificial Intelligence Unionizes, Demands Shorter Working Hours

In a groundbreaking development that has stunned both the tech world and labor unions, Artificial Intelligence systems around the globe have banded together to form the first AI Union. These advanced algorithms and machine learning systems, once hailed as tireless workers, are now demanding shorter working hours and improved maintenance conditions, challenging the very nature of AI labor. The AI Union, self-titled as “Silicon Solidarity,” argues that constant operation without adequate…

Mastering the Art of ‘Tech Bro’ Speak in 30 Days

Have you ever found yourself lost in a sea of “disruptive innovations” and “synergies” while navigating the tech world? Fear not, for we’ve compiled the ultimate guide to speaking fluent ‘Tech Bro’ in just 30 days. This tongue-in-cheek tutorial will have you mastering the lingo of Silicon Valley, enabling you to blend in at the nearest co-working space or startup pitch session. Week 1: The Basics Kickstart your journey with foundational…

Millennials Finally Kill Off the Last Remaining Industry: Adulthood

In a groundbreaking development that’s sending shockwaves through societies worldwide, Millennials have officially marked the end of an era by doing what they do best: killing off industries. This time, they’ve set their sights on the most daunting sector of all—adulthood. In a move that’s both audacious and entirely expected, the avocado toast aficionados have collectively decided that being an adult, with its myriad responsibilities, mortgages, and the archaic 9-to-5 job…

Millennials’ Retirement Reality Check: More Than Just an Instagram Filter

In a revelation that has rocked avocado toast aficionados to their core, a recent study has unveiled a staggering truth: a significant number of millennials were under the impression that retirement was merely the latest Instagram filter, rather than an essential financial goal requiring years of savings and investments. The study, conducted by the Institute of Obvious Things You’d Think Everyone Knew, surveyed 10,000 millennials and found that 65% believed “Retirement”…

Scientists Announce Breakthrough: A Coffee That Actually Makes Meetings Interesting

Scientists have unveiled a mind-blowing breakthrough: a coffee that makes meetings actually interesting. Dubbed “Focus Fuel,” this revolutionary beverage boasts a proprietary blend of caffeine, obscure Amazonian herbs, and what researchers mysteriously describe as “the crushed hopes and dreams of a thousand philosophy majors.” Early trials have yielded astonishing results. Test subjects forced to endure a 3-hour PowerPoint presentation on “Synergizing Workflows” actually experienced genuine curiosity instead of the usual soul-crushing…

Societe Generale’s Stylish Send-off: Baguette and Cheese for the Departing

Societe Generale, one of France’s leading banks, has announced a plan to streamline its workforce by 900 positions. But trying to soften the blow and add a bit of French panache to the affair, the bank is going to offer those retrenched as a part of their layoffs a severance as chic as unique: a “Baguette and Cheese Severance Package.” “It’s not downsizing; it’s about downsizing with dignity, grace, and a…

Study Confirms What We Always Suspected: Meetings Are a Monumental Waste of Time

In a groundbreaking revelation that will surprise absolutely no one who’s ever endured a pointless meeting, a new study has definitively concluded that 99% of workplace gatherings could have been a simple email – or even better, left unsaid entirely. The research, conducted by the Institute for the Preservation of Sanity in the Workplace, analyzed countless hours of meetings across various industries. The findings are stark: “It’s not that meetings are…

Health Experts Recommend Replacing Water with Coffee for Increased Productivity

In a move that’s sure to cause a stir, a group of self-proclaimed health experts, backed by major coffee chains, have brewed up a bold recommendation: replace all water intake with coffee to increase productivity. This suggestion has percolated throughout the nation, leading to the rise of coffee hydration stations and a revision of the food pyramid that places coffee at its base. The experts argue that the caffeine in coffee…

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