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Posts published in “Science”

Scientists Discover Parallel Universe Where News is Just News

In an unprecedented discovery that could forever change the way we view the cosmos—and our daily news feed—scientists at the International Coalition for Reality Research (ICRR) have stumbled upon a parallel universe where the news is, astonishingly, just news. This groundbreaking finding was made when a group of physicists, accidentally spilling coffee on their super-sensitive, multidimensional radar (a common occurrence in the high-stakes world of quantum mechanics), noticed an anomaly that…

World’s Billionaires Race to Escape Earth: ‘It’s Not You, It’s Us’

In an unfolding drama that feels more like a cosmic soap opera than reality, the world’s billionaires are in a frenzied race to escape Earth, leaving the rest of us to ponder our planetary relationship status. The narrative, rich with satirical undertones, suggests that these magnates are breaking up with Earth, delivering the classic line, “It’s not you, it’s us,” as they prepare their rockets for departure. The billionaire space race,…

Miracle Diet Pill Discovered: Simply Swallow Your Pride

Scientists have announced the discovery of a revolutionary new diet pill that promises significant weight loss with minimal effort. The secret ingredient? Your own pride. This innovative new product, aptly named “PrideAway,” offers a unique solution to those stubborn pounds, requiring users to do nothing more than swallow their pride. “It’s remarkably simple,” explains Dr. Ego Downsize, the lead researcher behind PrideAway. “Our studies have shown that excessive pride and ego…

New Study Finds 100% of Humans Will Eventually Die, Recommends Living Anyway

In what can only be described as the least surprising yet most affirming study of the century, researchers have concluded that 100% of humans will, at some point, face mortality. Despite these daunting odds, the study’s authors have issued a bold recommendation: to embrace life and live it to the fullest. This groundbreaking revelation was accompanied by a mock public health announcement, urging people everywhere to confront the inevitability of death…

Climate Change Solved! World Leaders Agree to Just Turn the AC Up

World leaders have collectively found a solution to the decades-old problem of climate change: just turn the air conditioning up. This groundbreaking decision came after a marathon 15-minute meeting, where it was decided that the complexities of greenhouse gas emissions, fossil fuel consumption, and deforestation were just too bothersome to tackle. “We’ve been overthinking this whole ‘climate crisis’ thing,” stated one leader, who wished to remain anonymous due to the sheer…

The Evolutionary Triumph of Introverts: Solitude as the New Social Currency

Scientists have declared introversion not just a personality trait, but the next significant leap in human evolution. “Socializing is so primitive,” declares the study, suggesting that those who find solace in solitude are ahead of the evolutionary curve. Silence is Golden, Solitude is Bliss According to researchers from the fictitious Global Institute for Evolutionary Progress (GIEP), centuries of human interaction have been nothing but a prelude to the pinnacle of evolutionary…

The Velocity of Validation: Typing Speed & Self-Esteem in Keyboard Warriors

Scientists have uncovered a startling correlation between the typing speed of internet “keyboard warriors” and their levels of self-esteem. According to the mock study, the faster someone types out angry comments online, the more desperately they’re seeking validation from their digital peers. Rapid Responses, Raging Egos The study, conducted by the fictitious Institute of Online Behaviors (IOB), involved monitoring the online activities of 1,000 self-identified “debate enthusiasts” across various social media…

Nicotine-Flavored Broccoli Proposed as Teen Vaping Deterrent

In what might be the most 21st-century twist in the tale of vaping regulations, governments from every corner of the globe are weighing the prospects of a proposal that seems ripped from the pages of a satirical comic book rather than a public health policy document: nicotine-flavored broccoli designed to lure young people away from electronic smoking devices and towards more verdant snacks. The root of this concept is as strange…

Ignoring Climate Change May Lead to Extinction of Avocado, Experts Warn

In a startling revelation that’s shaking brunch tables worldwide, climate experts have issued a grave warning: ignoring climate change might lead to the extinction of avocados. This potential future has sparked an unprecedented outcry among millennials, whose culinary and social media lifestyles are heavily intertwined with the beloved fruit. The report, titled “The Guac-apocalypse: Climate Change and the Future of Avocados,” details how rising temperatures, unpredictable weather patterns, and increased pests,…

Elon Musk’s Neuralink Implants First Human Brain Chip: Patient Now Subscribed to ‘Thoughts of the Day’

In a groundbreaking development that sounds straight out of a sci-fi novel, Elon Musk’s Neuralink has successfully implanted its first brain chip in a human. However, the real twist comes after the procedure: the patient is now unwittingly subscribed to an AI-powered ‘Thought of the Day’ service. Following the groundbreaking surgery, the patient began receiving daily thought prompts directly into their consciousness. From philosophical musings to practical life tips, these AI-generated…

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