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Posts published in “History”

The Great Toilet Paper Heist: How 2020 Became the Year of Loo Roll Larceny

In the annals of bizarre historical events, 2020 holds a special place for a heist most audacious. Forget bank vaults or precious jewels – the hot commodity triggering unprecedented global panic was far more… pedestrian. Behold, Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) explores the infamous toilet paper frenzy, proof that in times of crisis, our basic instincts kick in…along with a hefty dose of irrationality. Exhibit A: The Bare Necessities As whispers…

Historical Reenactors Refuse to Cover Gaza Conflict, Cite ‘Too Realistic’ Historical Parallels

In a move that’s caught the attention of historians, activists, and confused Renaissance fair goers alike, a global coalition of historical reenactors has officially refused to cover the Gaza conflict, citing its “too realistic and historically parallel” nature as the primary reason for their boycott. The announcement came after an intense debate within the reenactment community, traditionally known for their commitment to authenticity and a willingness to tackle the gritty realities…

British Museum Offers to Return Stolen Artifacts to Gaza, ‘But Only After Peace is Declared’

In a bold move that’s causing both uproarious laughter and critical head-scratching worldwide, the British Museum announced today its plans to return all stolen artifacts to Gaza—”but only after peace is declared.” This groundbreaking initiative, dubbed “Post-Peace Antiquity Repatriation Program” (PPARP), has been met with a mixture of disbelief, sarcasm, and a tiny, almost imperceptible hope that maybe, just maybe, this could be a step in the right direction. That is,…

Mummy Discovers Modern Egypt, Immediately Returns to Sarcophagus in Horror

In a shocking reversal of the usual horror trope, an ancient Egyptian mummy, resurrected after millennia through a dubious combination of archaeology and meddling tourists, has voluntarily returned to her sarcophagus. Citing modern Cairo’s traffic jams, aggressive street vendors, and confusing social norms as “unbearable,” Queen Hatchepsut III has declared the afterlife decidedly preferable. “I ruled over a vast empire, fought wars, built monuments…,” she muttered, ghostly voice thick with disappointment.…

Hieroglyphics Deciphered, Turns Out to be Mostly Complaints About Taxes

Ancient Egyptians: Not So Mysterious After All. Hieroglyphs Reveal Obsession with Taxes and Pigeons Archaeologists have made a groundbreaking discovery that shatters the mystique of Ancient Egypt. Turns out, those intricate hieroglyphics adorning temple walls and sarcophagi weren’t lofty odes to gods or epic tales of pharaohs, but mostly mundane complaints about taxes, lousy neighbors, and an alarming pigeon problem. “We always imagined these inscriptions were profound,” admits a bewildered Egyptologist,…

Jesus or Chocolate? Theologians Debate True Meaning of Easter Amidst Candy Coma Epidemic

Sugar vs. Salvation: Theologians Debate the True Meaning of Easter as Candy Coma Cases Rise As Easter baskets overflow with chocolate bunnies and jellybean avalanches, a theological rumble stirs beneath the surface of pastel decorations. The age-old question of Easter’s true meaning is facing a sugary new challenger: the ever-escalating candy coma epidemic. On one side, we have the traditionalists. Reverend Timothy Whitfield, a man whose beard rivals Santa’s for fluffiness,…

AI-Written Romance Novels Flood Market, Critics Lament Lack of Originality and Overuse of the Phrase “Throbbing Manhood”

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the romance genre, and English teachers everywhere into despair, AI-written novels are flooding the market. These algorithm-generated tales promise bodice-ripping passion and whirlwind courtships, but critics warn they deliver something far more sinister: uninspired plots, cringeworthy dialogue, and an alarmingly repetitive overuse of certain anatomical phrases. “It’s not romance, it’s literary Mad Libs,” laments one horrified romance author. “All smoldering gazes, heaving bosoms,…

Spain Discovers a Perfectly Preserved Siesta Hammock from the Roman Era, Declares National Holiday

In a development that has sent shockwaves (or rather, blissful sleep waves) through the nation, Spanish archaeologists have unearthed a remarkably well-preserved Roman-era hammock during an excavation project near Valencia.  This discovery has triggered an unexpected national holiday – an indefinite siesta to celebrate this historical treasure. “It’s a marvel!” gushes Dr. Miguel Sol, lead archaeologist on the dig.  “The craftsmanship is exquisite.  This hammock practically beckons you to take a…

Historians Debate Whether St. Patrick Was Actually the Patron Saint of Day Drinking

A fierce debate has erupted within historical circles, challenging the traditional depiction of St. Patrick and suggesting the beloved saint might have a more spirited legacy than previously acknowledged. The controversy stems from a re-examination of ancient texts, dubious archaeological finds, and a healthy dose of speculation fueled by St. Patrick’s Day revelers. “The traditional image of St. Patrick banishing snakes from Ireland is all well and good,” argues Dr. Seamus…

Irish Historian Discovers Evidence That the Pyramids Were Built by Spud Farmers on Holiday

CAIRO – A startling new discovery by Dr. Seamus O’Toole, an eccentric historian at Queen’s University Belfast, is poised to rock the archaeological world to its core. Dr. O’Toole claims to have found irrefutable evidence that the Pyramids of Giza were not the work of slaves or skilled laborers under the Pharaoh’s command, but rather boisterous Irish potato farmers enjoying a hard-earned holiday. “It’s all there in the carvings!” O’Toole exclaims,…

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