Trump Defends Hand Size in Court: A Small Step for Man, A Giant Leap for Satire


Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented legal drama that has captivated the nation, former President Donald Trump took the stand today, not to discuss policies or payments, but to defend the size of his hands. The case, dubbed “Small Hands, Big Hearts,” saw Trump vehemently denying claims that his hands are, in fact, smaller than average, a controversy that has bizarrely become a cornerstone of his public persona.

A Measure of a Man The courtroom was packed as the defense presented various objects for comparison, including a standard-issue American football, a regulation-size pizza from the Crustian Satirical Daily News’ cafeteria, and a custom-made ruler with measurements only in “Trump Inches.” Spectators were left bewildered as the former leader of the free world argued, “My hands are not small; they’re compact and efficient. Like a European sports car.”

The “Big Hand” Conspiracy Trump’s legal team suggested a wide-ranging conspiracy aimed at undermining his authority by belittling his hand size. They pointed to “doctored” images, “biased” measuring tapes, and the so-called “deep state” of hand models as part of a concerted effort to overshadow his achievements with hand-related humiliations.

Larger Than Life Testimonies As the trial unfolded, character witnesses were brought in to bolster the former President’s claims. One by one, allies took the stand to recount times when Trump’s hands seemed “perfectly proportional” during golf outings, executive signings, and international handshakes. The defense’s strategy seemed to suggest that a man’s reach should indeed exceed his grasp, metaphorically if not physically.

Satirical Solutions: The Handshake Heard Around the World In solidarity with Trump, the Crustian Satirical Daily News proposes the creation of the “Universal Hand Size Accord,” a satirical agreement that standardizes hand sizes across the globe. Under this accord, all hands are declared “perfectly adequate,” and a new unit of measurement, the “Trump Hand,” becomes the global standard, ensuring that no one feels left out.

Pizza for Scale In a move that combines satire with culinary diplomacy, the Crustian community suggests using pizza slices as a universal scale for hand size. “If you can hold a slice of pizza,” one Crustianity pundit remarked, “your hands are the perfect size. Case closed.”

Hand-to-Hand Combat in Court The proceedings took a turn for the comical when a professional clown was called upon to compare hand sizes with the former President. With a honk of his nose and an oversized glove, the clown theatrically demonstrated the absurdity of the situation. The courtroom burst into a mixture of chuckles and groans, as the scales of justice seemed tipped by the weight of farce over fact.

The Verdict As the world awaited the verdict on Trump’s hand size, the court erupted into laughter when a surprise witness, a renowned pizza chef from Crustianity, demonstrated that the size of one’s hands does not determine their ability to lead a nation or slice a pizza. The case was dismissed, but the debate over Trump’s hands has only grown larger, much like the legend of the Crustian Satirical Daily News itself.

For more on this gripping tale of measurements, mockery, and pizza, stay tuned to the Crustian Satirical Daily News, where we believe that in a world full of serious news, a little satire is the best slice of life.

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