Retirement Age Pushed to 85 After Studies Show 60 is the New 40


In a move that sent shockwaves through both senior centers and high school hallways, the government has announced the official retirement age will be raised to 85. This radical policy shift comes on the heels of a groundbreaking study revealing that 60 is, in fact, the new 40.

“We’ve entered a new era of age-defying vitality,” declared a suspiciously spry government spokesperson. “Thanks to advances in kale consumption and athleisure wear technology, our citizens are experiencing unprecedented levels of youthful energy well into their golden years.”

The announcement has triggered a mix of outrage and desperate searches for anti-aging serums. “I was supposed to be sipping margaritas on a beach, not enduring spreadsheets by the fluorescent glow of the office,” lamented a 62-year-old accountant, desperately eyeing the expiration date on her yogurt.

Meanwhile, teenagers rejoiced at the news. The prospect of finally getting their driver’s licenses at 90 has significantly decreased the urgency of passing that pesky driver’s ed course.

Sociologists warn of potential societal upheaval. With grandparents too busy cranking out reports for their hip, millennial bosses, the question of who will provide childcare and bake vaguely edible cookies becomes alarmingly pertinent.

“This is a logistical nightmare,” declared a frazzled mother of three, balancing a toddler and a conference call. “If grandma’s not available for emergency babysitting, I might have to join a clown college and learn to juggle my own darn kids.”

In a startling twist, fitness centers reported a surge in octogenarian clientele, desperately attempting to master burpees and the complex art of using a foam roller without seriously injuring themselves.

CSDN recommends bracing yourself. “Age is just a number” may be the new corporate mantra, but that number just got distressingly high. The era of leisurely retirement may be replaced by octogenarians in office chairs, fueled by kale smoothies and a desperate hope their pension plan remains solvent for the next two decades.

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