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DUP Agrees to New Brexit Deal After Discovering Treasure Map Hidden in Protocol Text

In a development that sounds like it’s straight off the pages of Robert Louis Stevenson’s “Treasure Island,” the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) has ended its long-standing boycott of Stormont. The driving force behind their unexpected return? A hidden treasure map, ingeniously concealed within the Brexit agreement’s tedious legal jargon.

“Aye, it was amidst the meticulous wording on fisheries and commerce that we found it,” disclosed a DUP representative, brandishing what appeared to be a parchment of considerable age, mimicking the iconic treasure maps of yore. “We’re not dealing in mere allegorical riches – there’s tangible loot at stake!”

This map, replete with the customary ‘X’ marking the spot, bewildering puzzles, and illustrations of secluded bays, has set off a mixture of exhilaration and incredulity. “We presumed we were hammering out trade policies, not embarking on a quest for hidden booty,” remarked a flustered EU diplomat, taken aback by the unanticipated twist.

While cynics dismiss the map as an ingenious ploy to coax the DUP back into political discourse, the party’s ranks hold fast to their belief in the map’s legitimacy. “Put aside your fretting over border checks – envision instead coffers brimming with doubloons and precious stones,” a member of Parliament from the DUP voiced enthusiastically, already assembling a crew for the purported expedition.

Mum’s the word from the British authorities concerning the genesis of this enigmatic chart. “We are not in a position to either acknowledge or repudiate the incorporation of hidden troves in any treaty,” articulated a spokesperson for the government, his expression carefully neutral to avoid betraying amusement or skepticism.

As this swashbuckling saga unfolds, the astute correspondents at the Crustian Satirical Daily News (CSDN) remain vigilant. Northern Ireland’s political scene appears as though it’s been catapulted into the era of buccaneers and hidden treasures. The pertinent question that now presents itself: Will the DUP’s search for treasure culminate in fortune, or is it naught but a quixotic escapade, a mere political snipe hunt amidst the rolling green hills of this storied land? Only the tides of time will tell if this far-fetched journey shall yield gold or simply add another layer to the rich tapestry of local folklore.

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