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Cairo Traffic So Bad, Ancient Chariots Now Considered the Fastest Way to Get Around

In a development that has archaeologists cheering and urban planners weeping, Cairo’s legendary traffic jams have reached a fever pitch so extreme that ancient Egyptian chariots are officially the fastest way to get around. Frustrated commuters, facing hours-long gridlock, are ditching their modern vehicles for the breezy efficiency of horse-drawn transportation.

“My Toyota just sat there, baking in the sun, while some dude on a chariot whizzed past,” lamented a former car owner, now sporting a tunic and an impressive tan. “It’s humiliating, but at least I’m getting somewhere!”

Entrepreneurs are seizing the opportunity. “Tut’s Chariots” offers rentals complete with historically-dubious accessories like whips and faux-jeweled headdresses. Meanwhile, “Uber Ramses” is a new app-based chariot service promising to beat the traffic, one dusty wheel at a time. Its ratings system is based on the driver’s ability to navigate potholes without spilling your latte. For those with a little more aggression, chariot racing leagues have emerged amidst the chaos, providing entertainment and a new outlet for road rage using far more biodegradable methods.

Traffic experts are baffled. “It’s a reversal of millennia of transportation progress,” sputters one analyst. “We went from chariots to cars, and now we’re back again. Civilization has come full circle, and it’s looking awfully bumpy.”

Tourists, however, are delighted by this unexpected historical throwback. “Forget those stuffy bus tours,” exclaims a thrilled visitor clutching a selfie stick and a souvenir pharaoh hat. “I’m getting around Cairo like Cleopatra! Though I do miss air conditioning.”

Meanwhile, asthmatic horses struggle to keep up with the demand, and chariot wheel repair shops experience a booming business. Environmentalists offer a glimmer of hope, suggesting this could spark a renewed interest in sustainable transportation. But mostly, Cairo remains a testament to the enduring power of traffic to bring out the absolute worst (and most creative) aspects of human ingenuity. Whether this marks a temporary blip or a return to a pharaoh-approved method of commuting remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure: Cairo’s traffic woes have officially entered the realm of the absurd, and sometimes, the only way to move forward is to embrace the past.

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