British Museum Offers to Return Stolen Artifacts to Gaza, ‘But Only After Peace is Declared’


In a bold move that’s causing both uproarious laughter and critical head-scratching worldwide, the British Museum announced today its plans to return all stolen artifacts to Gaza—”but only after peace is declared.” This groundbreaking initiative, dubbed “Post-Peace Antiquity Repatriation Program” (PPARP), has been met with a mixture of disbelief, sarcasm, and a tiny, almost imperceptible hope that maybe, just maybe, this could be a step in the right direction. That is, if you squint hard enough and ignore several millennia of conflict.

“We believe in doing the right thing, at the right time, under the right, very specific conditions,” stated the museum’s director, Sir Reginald Faux-Pas. “And what better time to return these precious artifacts than after a comprehensive, totally foreseeable resolution to the Gaza conflict? It’s practically tomorrow!”

Critics argue that the museum’s plan is as optimistic as a rain dance in the Sahara, pointing out the slightly inconvenient truth that peace in the region has been historically elusive, much like the museum’s ethics concerning artifact repatriation.

“It’s a masterstroke of procrastination,” commented Dr. Ima Sarcasmo, a professor of political irony at the University of Cynical Studies. “Why return artifacts now when you can promise to do it in a future so ideal it borders on mythical?”

Meanwhile, supporters of the PPARP initiative have been harder to find than the museum’s willingness to return the Elgin Marbles to Greece. However, a spokesperson for the museum assured skeptics that they are as committed to returning artifacts as they are to ensuring the artifacts are kept in “appropriate conditions,” a term that apparently now includes geopolitical stability.

In a related move, the museum also announced its “Conditional Cultural Exchange Program,” where artifacts will be loaned back to their countries of origin, but only during solar eclipses, leap years, and moments when all planets align.

As the international community watches this saga unfold, many are left wondering whether this announcement is a genuine attempt to address historical wrongs or just another chapter in the long story of cultural appropriation. One thing, however, is clear: the British Museum’s plan has already made a significant contribution to the world—by providing comedians and satirists with material for years to come.

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