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Woman Claims to Channel Spirit of Marie Antoinette, Demands Croissants and Exorbitant Online Shopping Budget

Last updated on March 22, 2024

SUBURBAN OHIO – Janice Miller, a previously unremarkable accountant from Cleveland, has sent shockwaves through both the historical and retail communities. Miller claims to be the reborn spirit of Marie Antoinette, the famously extravagant French queen. She has since abandoned all modern trappings, demanding a steady supply of flaky pastries, a silk-lined fainting couch, and an internet connection with a limitless online shopping budget.

“These sweatpants, these…sneakers,” Janice-turned-Marie lamented, with a dainty wave of her hand towards her former Lululemon attire. “Simply barbaric! A true queen requires only the finest silks and jewels!”

Her beleaguered husband, Bob, has been caught on camera browsing resale sites for Louis XIV-era furniture and desperately attempting to explain the concept of credit card debt to a woman who believes gold coins grow on trees.

“It’s like living with a tornado in a tiara,” Bob confessed to bewildered reporters, “And she’s obsessed with these puffy jackets with gigantic hoods. Keeps ranting about protecting her hair – in case of, you know, the guillotine.”

Janice’s newly-minted royal demands have not been confined to online shopping alone. Local bakeries report a surge in croissant orders, while confused florists are fielding requests for bouquets composed exclusively of exotic orchids.

Skepticism abounds from historians, who point out that Marie Antoinette was famously out of touch with the struggles of the common people, not a suburban mom addicted to Amazon Prime. Psychologists suggest this could be a case of pandemic-induced delusion or a midlife crisis taken to fantastical extremes.

Meanwhile, Internet forums are ablaze with debates. Is this a hilarious hoax or a genuine case of past-life regression? Could Janice’s extravagant spending spree single-handedly revive a struggling economy? And, most importantly, WHAT is she buying with that unlimited budget?

Stay tuned for updates on this bizarre story, including potential sightings of Janice attempting to fit a life-sized porcelain bathtub into her Honda minivan.

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