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US Libraries to Add ‘Spoiler Sections’ for Readers Who Just Want to Know How It Ends

The End of Literary Suspense: Libraries Introduce “Spoiler Zones”

In a move that simultaneously delights impatient readers and sends literary purists into a frenzy, libraries across the nation have begun offering dedicated “Spoiler Sections.” These designated areas will allow patrons to skip straight to the juicy reveals, plot twists, and shocking endings without the taxing labor of actually reading the entire book.

“We’re all about accessibility,” declares a forward-thinking librarian, sidestepping a pile of angrily discarded classics. “Not everyone has the time or inclination to invest in a 500-page epic. Why deny them the pleasure of knowing whodunnit?”

The Spoiler Sections promise a streamlined reading experience. Summaries range from concise bullet points (“Turns out, the butler did it. Also, the main character was a ghost the whole time!”) to elaborately illustrated flowcharts mapping out complex family trees and who tragically dies on page 217.

Predictably, the initiative has been met with polarizing reactions. “It’s brilliant!” exclaims one time-strapped reader. “Now I can breeze through my book club selections without having to suffer through all the boring bits.”

Literary purists, however, are aghast. “This cheapens the entire reading experience!” laments a self-proclaimed book snob, clutching a dog-eared copy of Proust. “The joy is in the journey, the unfolding of the narrative, the careful crafting of language! Those who indulge in such spoilers are Philistines!”

Nevertheless, the Spoiler Sections show no signs of slowing down. Some libraries are even experimenting with adding more specific subcategories:

  • “Romance Spoilers”: Get those happily-ever-after details, or who gets dumped at the altar, without the flowery prose.
  • “Mystery Spoilers”: The identity of the killer, minus the distracting red herrings.
  • “Existential Novel Spoilers”: Still ends in a bleak, ambiguous void, but at least you’ll get there faster.

Despite the uproar, even die-hard purists occasionally find themselves tempted by the dark side. “Just peeked at the ending of Finnegan’s Wake,” one literature professor sheepishly confessed. “Turns out… it makes even less sense than I thought.”

As the debate rages on, libraries brace themselves for an influx of impatient patrons. One thing’s for sure: the Spoiler Sections will forever change the way we experience literature – whether we like it or not.

Extra satirical touch: Libraries will inevitably add a premium “Spoiler Protection Subscription.” Because paying NOT to know the ending will be the height of book-loving irony.

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