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U.S. to Mint New Coin Featuring National Motto: ‘In Guns We Trust

In an unprecedented move that critics are calling a true reflection of national priorities, the United States Treasury announced today the minting of a new coin. Emblazoned with the updated national motto, “In Guns We Trust, In Thoughts and Prayers We Invest,” the coin aims to encapsulate the essence of American policy towards gun violence.

The coin, designed by an artist who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of becoming too relevant, features a pair of clasped hands on one side, symbolizing the nation’s go-to response of thoughts and prayers after mass shootings. The other side proudly displays a variety of firearms, arranged in a heart shape around the edges, with the new motto curving above in bold letters.

Treasury officials, in a press release, stated, “This coin represents the dual pillars of American freedom: the unyielding power of the Second Amendment and the unending supply of thoughts and prayers offered in times of tragedy. It is a token of our nation’s resilience and our unique solution to an ongoing crisis.”

Critics, however, have lambasted the coin as a morbid satire of America’s gun violence epidemic. “It’s like they’re not even trying to hide the absurdity anymore,” said one activist, shaking their head. “We have a currency that literally values firearms over lives, enshrining inaction and lip service as patriotic virtues.”

Despite the controversy, collectors and irony enthusiasts alike are eagerly anticipating the coin’s release. “It’s a collector’s item for the ages,” one numismatist commented. “A tangible piece of satire, or policy, depending on how you look at it. Future generations will either laugh or weep at its significance.”

As the coins enter circulation, they serve as a metallic reminder of the nation’s stance on one of its most divisive issues. Whether they will become a cherished keepsake or a symbol of national shame remains to be seen. But for now, the United States takes a bold step in monetizing its most consistent response to tragedy: thoughts, prayers, and an unwavering belief in the right to bear arms.

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