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Time Traveler Returns from Future with Alarming Discovery: ‘They’re Still Making Fast & Furious Movies’

Last updated on March 29, 2024

A weary time traveler, emerging from his battered DeLorean with a look of profound existential horror, has delivered a chilling message from the year 2058: The Fast & Furious franchise remains a relentless, unstoppable juggernaut, crushing all notions of cinematic logic and narrative restraint in its wake.

“I journeyed into the future, hoping to find technological advancements, answers to the universe’s great mysteries,” the traveler, known only as Professor T., recounts. “Instead, I found myself trapped in a world where Vin Diesel has just rocketed a Pontiac Fiero into space to battle cybernetically-enhanced dinosaurs on Mars. It’s Fast & Furious 47: Intergalactic Justice League.” The news shatters any optimism about the future of filmmaking. Film scholars, holding their heads in despair, have long speculated about the franchise’s eventual demise. Yet, the traveler’s grim report confirms their worst fears: logic, plausibility, the very laws of physics are mere playthings in the face of the mighty Fast & Furious machine.

Professor T.’s harrowing account describes a future landscape dominated by billboards for increasingly absurd installments. The franchise has long abandoned any pretense of street racing, evolving into an all-encompassing spectacle of gravity-defying stunts, nonsensical plot twists, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s ever-expanding biceps. “Family is still a central theme,” the traveler warns, a haunted look in his eyes. “But now ‘family’ includes a cloned version of Paul Walker, a sentient submarine with Jason Statham at the helm, and Helen Mirren as a cyborg drag racer. It’s a lot.”

The revelation casts a pall over the entertainment industry. Directors weep openly, their dreams of nuanced storytelling replaced by nightmarish visions of exploding helicopters morphing into mecha-sharks piloted by a charismatic hacker played by Charlize Theron.Some desperately brainstorm ways to prevent this bleak cinematic future. “Maybe we could sabotage the box office for the next installment?” suggests one filmmaker clutching at straws. A rogue scientist proposes a daring plan: travel back in time and subtly alter the space-time continuum to prevent the first Fast & Furious movie from ever being made.

Yet, a chilling sense of futility hangs in the air. They all know, deep down, that the franchise is beyond the reach of conventional defeat. It’s a self-perpetuating behemoth, fueled by explosions, gratuitous cameos, and the enduring appeal of cars doing impossible things.

As the time traveler prepares to return to his own era, haunted by the over-the-top automotive carnage he witnessed, he leaves behind him a populace grappling with a grim reality. Perhaps some things, some franchises, were never meant to end. We can only brace ourselves for the future, stock up on popcorn, and surrender to the glorious absurdity of it all.

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