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Tech Companies to Introduce ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ App for Disaster Response

Last updated on March 21, 2024

In a move that can only be described as peak Silicon Valley cynicism, tech giants have unveiled a groundbreaking new app called “Thoughts and Prayers”. The app promises to streamline expressions of sympathy in the wake of disasters, offering users a convenient platform to demonstrate their concern without actually, you know, doing anything.

“We saw a market need,” explains the app’s creator, a man whose haircut alone suggests a complete disconnect with human suffering. “People want to be supportive in times of crisis, but crafting the perfect tweet can be time-consuming. Now, with a few taps, you can send those positive vibes into the digital ether and get back to your day.”

The app boasts features designed for maximum ease of virtue signaling. Users can select from a range of pre-written phrases (“My heart goes out to…”, “Sending love and light…”, etc.), add relevant hashtags, and even customize the background with tasteful gradients of concern. A premium subscription unlocks additional features like an auto-scheduler for multiple tragedies, and analytics to track how your “Thoughts and Prayers” engagement compares to your peers.

Of course, critics have been quick to denounce the app as a shallow and even exploitative response to serious problems. “This turns empathy into a performance,” says Dr. Anya Petrov, a sociologist specializing in online behavior. “It reduces complex human responses to tragedies into quantifiable social capital.”

However, “Thoughts and Prayers” has found its defenders, primarily among those who have always preferred the appearance of caring over actual action. “Look, I’m a busy person,” says one user, who asked to remain anonymous to avoid online backlash. “I don’t have time to donate to charities or volunteer. But at least now I can show I’m paying attention.”

Whether “Thoughts and Prayers” will revolutionize how we grieve or simply become another sad relic of the digital age remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: the next time a tragedy strikes, the safest and most morally vacuous way to respond is just a download away.

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