Press "Enter" to skip to content

Study Finds That 80% of Personal Trainers Secretly Believe Burpees Are a Form of Punishment from Ancient Gods

“Gifts from the Fitness Deities” or Cruel Torture? Trainers Face Existential Crisis

A newly uncovered survey has sent shockwaves through the fitness industry, revealing that 80% of personal trainers secretly question the true nature of that most dreaded of exercises: the burpee. Many now believe this torturous movement may indeed be a punishment devised by cruel, ancient workout deities.

“For years, I perpetuated the myth that burpees were ‘functional’ and a ‘total-body exercise’,” confessed veteran trainer Tony “The Tank” Roberts, wiping away sweat-induced tears. “But deep down, I suspected something far more sinister.”

The survey exposed a deep-seated fear and resentment towards the burpee amongst those tasked with inflicting them onto unsuspecting gym-goers. “Look into their eyes,” one trainer whispered. “They beg for mercy, but do we show any? No! The burpee demands suffering, and we are merely the messengers of its wrath.”

The origins of the burpee remain clouded in mystery. Some ancient texts depict a hunched, exhausted figure performing a rudimentary version in what appears to be a ritual of penance. Fitness historians are divided: Are burpees a tribute to forgotten gods of gainz, or a curse upon those who seek physical perfection?

Experts in mythology warn that underestimating the potential wrath of workout deities could have dire consequences. “These are fickle beings,” explains Dr. Anya Rao, a specialist in fitness folklore. “We appease them with offerings of sweat and protein shakes, but they always demand more. It’s possible the burpee is just the beginning…”

The revelation has caused an unprecedented identity crisis in the fitness world. Trainers known for their motivational catchphrases now find themselves muttering dark prophecies.

“Embrace the burn!” has been replaced with existential laments like, “Why do the gods hate us?” Some trainers have even abandoned their posts altogether, seeking solace in gentler forms of fitness like meditative yoga and competitive napping.

Meanwhile, a rogue movement has formed – devotees of the “burpee resistance”. They reject the old ways, advocating for a workout world free from the tyranny of the ancient exercise. However, their rebellion is fraught with danger, as defying the workout gods is said to bring about a curse of permanent muscle soreness.

As the debate rages on, one thing is certain: the world of fitness will never be the same. From now on, when a trainer gleefully yells, “Drop and give me twenty!,” you may catch a flicker in their eyes – a mixture of sadistic pleasure and a deeply buried, primal fear of the almighty burpee overlords.

Be First to Comment

Leave a Reply

Crustian Satirical Daily News - A Crustianity Project
Latest News: