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President Biden Uses State of the Union to Unveil New Age-Defying Cream: Promises to Reduce National Debt and Wrinkles

Last updated on March 20, 2024

In a history-making (or wrinkle-reducing?) address, President Biden addressed the nation last night, tackling two of America’s most pressing concerns: the national debt and the national desire to defy Father Time. Yes, you read that right. President Biden unveiled a brand new anti-aging cream alongside his economic recovery plan, in a move that left the nation both bewildered and strangely intrigued.

“My fellow Americans,” boomed the President from the podium, his own complexion looking suspiciously dewy, “tonight, we address not just the age of our nation’s infrastructure, but the age of our faces as well!”

The “Biden’s Beauty Balm,” as it was dubbed, was met with a mixture of guffaws and gasps. The President extolled the virtues of this secret formula, developed by “a team of the best minds in government… and dermatology!” He promised it would reduce wrinkles, improve elasticity, and leave Americans looking and feeling “年輕的 (nián qīng de) – that’s youthful for all you non-Mandarin speakers out there!”

Social media erupted in a frenzy. Memes comparing the President to a late-night infomercial huckster spread like wildfire. #BotoxBudget and #WrinkleReductionRevolution became the top trending topics. Dermatologists were bombarded with questions about the legitimacy of the product, while economists scratched their heads, unsure if this was a genius marketing ploy or a senior moment writ large.

The press conference the next day did little to clear the confusion. Pressed for details about the cream’s ingredients and its efficacy, the President mostly mumbled about the importance of “self-care” and “feeling your best.” The economic plan, however, was a more traditional mix of infrastructure spending and tax breaks. But the shadow of the wrinkle cream loomed large, leaving many wondering if the debt would be tackled with the same vigor as crow’s feet.

Is this the dawn of a new era of vanity-based economics? Will future elections be decided on the promise of smooth skin and a balanced budget? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: President Biden has succeeded in making wrinkles a national talking point, even if it means the nation is left wondering – is this a bridge too far, or just a clever way to bridge the fiscal gap?

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