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Plagiarism Detection Software Flags Entire English Literature Department for “Suspicious Similarities” to German

A prestigious university’s English Literature Department finds itself embroiled in an unprecedented scandal. Ironically, the culprit isn’t a student cheating on an essay but the very plagiarism detection software meant to enforce academic integrity. Seems the groundbreaking, if bewildered, algorithm has uncovered a shocking truth: the department has a suspicious tendency towards the German language. This revelation has sent shockwaves through academia, prompting existential questions about the nature of originality, influence, and the overuse of borrowed vocabulary.

Initial reports from the investigation leave heads spinning. A beloved professor’s acclaimed essay on the symbolism of rain in Victorian novels was flagged due to repeated use of words like ‘schadenfreude’, ‘zeitgeist’, and what appears to be an entire paragraph lifted from a Berlin restaurant menu. A PhD thesis exploring feminist themes in Shakespeare reeked of a rather literal translation of Goethe, with the algorithm noting a peculiar emphasis on sausages. Even casual faculty emails weren’t safe. One harmless inquiry about upcoming colloquium snacks became Exhibit A, with the software highlighting “kuchen” and “bier” as clearly plagiarized concepts.

“It’s an unmitigated disaster,” declared the flustered Dean of Humanities, sweating through his tweed jacket. “Turns out, centuries of studying the English language leaves one prone to accidentally slipping into other tongues, particularly when stressed or hungry.”

Frantic damage control ensues. Professors must now participate in remedial vocabulary workshops titled “English for English Majors: A Refresher.” Literary journals implement a strict “no strudels mentioned” policy for submissions, and to curb any subconscious Germanic influence, a campus-wide ban on Wagner operas is enacted.

The software company, sensing opportunity, pivots hard. “We’re detecting a deep-rooted plagiarism problem in the humanities,” claims a spokesperson, already envisioning an “Anti-Philosophical-Frenchness” add-on.

Conspiracy theories spread on campus like wildfire: foreign language departments are accused of sabotage, while students grumble about suspiciously complex vocabulary on syllabi, wondering if their professors are simply mashing together online dictionary entries in various languages.

As the scandal deepens, a group of renegade linguists proposes a radical solution: embracing the accidental multilingualism. “Language is a fluid, ever-evolving beast,” they argue. “Perhaps true originality lies in the unexpected blending of tongues!”

Whether the English Department can regain its reputation, or if this marks the dawn of a new era of deliriously multilingual academic papers remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure: after this, a simple “Guten Tag” in the hallway will never carry the same weight again.

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