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Oil Companies Pledge to Save the Planet by Filling Ocean with Plastic-Eating Fish

In a move hailed by oil executives as “ingenious” and by environmentalists as “utterly deranged,” major oil corporations have pledged to solve the ocean plastic crisis – by introducing genetically modified, plastic-devouring fish.

“We’re taking corporate responsibility to the next level,” declared oil magnate Rex Drillinger at a hastily-arranged press conference staged on a yacht adorned with suspiciously anti-plastic slogans. “Instead of addressing the root cause of pollution, let’s just engineer a quick fix. Think of these fish as tiny, scaly Roomba robots for our oceans!”

Introducing the “Plastivore Goby” – a marvel of genetic engineering with an unquenchable appetite for plastic waste. Scientists, bribed with generous research grants, assure the public that these fish pose “absolutely no threat whatsoever” to marine ecosystems or the human food chain.

“Just imagine, no more unsightly plastic bottles!” chirps Dr. Eunice Frankenfish, the slightly manic lead scientist on the project. “Think of all the microbeads these darling gobies could chomp through! The oceans will be pristine, and we’ll have so much data on the long-term effects of a plastic-based diet on fish!”

Environmental groups, predictably, are horrified. “This is solving pollution with more pollution,” warns Nadia Greenpiece, a veteran activist. “What happens when these fish mutate further, start eating boats, or develop a taste for oil rigs? It’s a recipe for an ecological disaster film!”

The fishing industry is caught in the crossfire. “Great, now my nets will be full of rubbery fish no one wants to eat!” grumbles old-school fisherman Salty Pete. “What’s next, oil companies sponsoring plankton that feed on greenhouse gasses? It’s madness!”

Yet, the plan barrels forward. The first batch of Plastivore Gobies are set for release within the year, amidst concerns that they might resemble the mutant fish villains from low-budget horror movies. Oil companies, meanwhile, are already celebrating, their stock prices soaring in anticipation of a future where polluting with abandon is just a prelude to selling the clean-up solution.

Whether the oceans of the future will be plastic-free or teeming with monstrous, pollution-hungry fish remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: the oil industry’s brand of “environmentalism” is a wild ecosystem all its own.

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