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New Fitness Trend: Telekinesis Yoga, ‘Why Move When You Can Think About Moving?’

Forget sweating, grunting, and sore muscles. The hottest fitness craze promises effortless weight loss, increased flexibility, and a deep sense of existential disappointment – all without moving a single muscle. Introducing “Telekinesis Yoga,” the ultimate workout for the aggressively indolent.

“It’s all about mind over matter,” proclaims Guru Gazeem, founder of “ThinkFit” studios. His relaxed posture (likely achieved by being carried by interns) exudes an aura of enlightenment, or at least supreme smugness. “Traditional yoga is too effortful. With Telekinesis Yoga, you achieve inner peace and a toned physique just by visualizing yourself doing those impossible pretzel poses.”

The classes are a sight to behold. Participants sit motionless on yoga mats, brows furrowed in intense concentration. The faint smell of desperation hangs in the air. Occasionally, someone excitedly yells, “I think I moved a hair!” only to be met with sympathetic grimaces of failure.

Despite the lack of visible results, testimonials are surprisingly positive. “I feel…mentally exhausted,” raves one recent convert. “Which is still more activity than I’m used to, so that’s a win!” Another client swears they levitated an inch, but alas, no one happened to be looking at the time.

The fitness industry is abuzz. Gyms are hastily adding “Psychic Sweat” spin classes and “Teleportation Treadmills” to their offerings. Athleisure brands rush to design “Mind-Bending Yoga Pants” with extra padding to soften the inevitable falls when disillusioned clients give up.

However, skeptics abound. “This isn’t yoga, it’s daydreaming with delusions of grandeur,” scoffs sports physiologist Dr. Anya Aching-Muscles. “The only thing getting a workout is people’s wallets.”

Guru Gazeem remains unfazed, already envisioning an empire built on laziness. Retreats promising psychic weightlifting and long-distance teleportation marathons are in the works. Whether those levitating dreams become a reality, or crash back down to earth remains to be seen.

One thing’s for sure: Telekinesis Yoga serves as a hilarious reflection of our desire for quick fixes and our sometimes misguided belief that with enough determination, we can make the impossible happen (or at least convince ourselves we did).

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