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Lobbyist Group Demands “Thoughts and Prayers” Be Classified as a Tax-Deductible Expense

Last updated on March 19, 2024

In a move that’s drawing both fierce criticism and begrudging admiration for its sheer audacity, a powerful lobbyist group has filed a petition demanding that “thoughts and prayers” be officially recognized as a tax-deductible charitable contribution.

“It’s time to acknowledge the real sacrifices people make in the face of tragedy,” argues Reginald Smoothtalk, head of the Coalition for Empathetic Taxation. “Offering heartfelt thoughts and fervent prayers takes time, emotional energy, and often disrupts valuable browsing time on social media. That’s a public service, and it deserves to be recognized by the tax code.”

The petition outlines a complex system for calculating the monetary value of these intangible offerings. Factors to be considered include the severity of the issue, the number of exclamation points used in social media posts expressing concern, and whether the word “heartbroken” appears in all caps.

“Think of the potential,” Smoothtalk exclaims, his eyes gleaming. “Tax breaks for heartfelt Facebook status updates! Charitable deductions for carefully worded tweets! Imagine a world where your outpouring of sympathy not only soothes the soul but also reduces your tax burden!”

The proposal has understandably ignited a firestorm of debate. Critics denounce it as a cynical ploy to exploit human suffering for financial gain. “Next thing you know,” scoffs one outraged commentator, “they’ll want reimbursement for shedding a single, self-righteous tear.”

Yet, the lobbyist group insists they are simply advocating for fairness. “Prayer warriors are the backbone of our society,” declares one solemn-faced supporter. “They put in countless hours of spiritual labor. Why shouldn’t their efforts be recognized, just like any other charitable donation?”

Social media is ablaze with memes and scathing commentary. #ThoughtsAndTaxes is trending, with users sarcastically calculating the tax-deductible value of their outrage over the proposal itself. Images of politicians offering a single, uninspired “thoughts and prayers” in response to a crisis now carry captions demanding a tax receipt.

Despite the backlash, the lobbyist group remains remarkably optimistic. They’ve enlisted the support of a few sympathetic politicians who see the potential for wooing certain voting blocs with promises of tax breaks for public empathy.

Whether or not “thoughts and prayers” will ever gain official tax-deductible status remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: this audacious proposal has forced a darkly humorous conversation about the value we place on expressions of sympathy, and whether compassion can truly be quantified like financial transactions.

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