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Italy’s Migrant Detention Centers To Be Transformed Into Spas

In a stunning and apparently ludicrous move that has raised skeptical eyebrows and spa robes throughout the world, the Italian government recently floated a new idea: turning its migrant detention centers into luxury spas. This follows a series of misunderstandings around the term “detainee relaxation,” which officials now say was never designed to indicate a more pampered approach to immigration.

“Well, looking back, we did consider that our policy on dealing with the detention of migrants was maybe slightly too traditional,” said Giovanni Falsospa, the new Director of Luxurious Immigration Facilities. “Why detain when you can de-stress? That’s our new motto.”

The facilities would provide a new “holistic immigration experience,” with mineral baths, saunas, and massage services all envisaged. The migrant pathways would no longer feature barbed wire but rose petals. The clang of metal doors would be taken over by the sound of soothing waves of the ocean.

The move has, however, not been without its own share of criticism, with some critics terming it “outlandish to say the least” and a “gross misallocation of resources,” insisting the government should direct its energies on working out sustainable solutions on immigration and not “temporary indulgences.” “It’s preposterous,” commented human rights activist Marco Verità. “People need dignity and respect, not a deep tissue massage.”

Supporters, on the other hand, hail it as a further step towards the humane treatment of migrants. “Italy is setting a new standard for immigration policy,” said luxury spa consultant Bella Benessere. “Who wouldn’t want to be detained under such conditions?”

The first center slated for transformation is located in Lampedusa, with plans to expand the program nationwide. Migrants can soak in each differently themed spa to give them a taste of the rolling hills of Tuscany to the historic streets of Rome as part of processing.

The centers will also have a restaurant that offers not only sophisticated, fine Italian cuisine and service but also cuisine for the gourmet to learn to cook himself. The centers will also propose courses in the Mediterranean diet, culinary courses, sommelier courses in wine and oil, and permaculture and organic gardening.

And so—should Italy ultimately reveal these luxury spa detention centers as the birth heralds of that new immigration policy for the world, or possibly just a well-manicured façade? Only time will tell, but one thing is clear: detainee relaxation is about to get a whole new meaning.

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