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Historians Admit All Historical Events Are Just Elaborate Hoaxes

A consortium of the world’s leading historians has come forward to admit that all historical events are, in fact, elaborate hoaxes. From the moon landing to the fall of the Roman Empire, every event we’ve come to know, study, and celebrate has been part of a centuries-long ruse designed to keep humanity entertained and, occasionally, in line.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

According to the consortium, the entire timeline of human history has been scripted by a secretive group of storytellers, known only as “The Scribes of Yore.” This revelation explains why so many historical events seem to follow narrative arcs and themes common in literature, such as rise and fall, conflict and resolution, and the classic hero’s journey.

Manufacturing Mythos

The process of crafting these historical hoaxes involves meticulous planning, including the creation of artifacts, documents, and even languages. “The Rosetta Stone? A prop. The Constitution of the United States? Fan fiction. The Pyramids? Let’s just say we know a guy,” disclosed Dr. April F. Ools, spokesperson for the consortium. “It’s all about world-building, really.”

Implications for the Present

This admission throws into question everything we know about our past, and its implications ripple through the present day. Educational curriculums are being rewritten, monuments are being reevaluated, and historians are now considered akin to novelists. “It’s liberating, in a way,” said one historian. “I always wanted to write fantasy.”

Public Reaction: From Outrage to Intrigue

The public reaction has been a mix of outrage, disbelief, and, surprisingly, intrigue. Conspiracy theorists feel vindicated, literature fans are delighted, and the rest of the world is left wondering what parts of history, if any, can be believed. “I guess this means I don’t have to pay my parking tickets,” joked one citizen. “After all, they’re based on laws, and laws are just part of the narrative, right?”

The Future of History

Moving forward, the consortium plans to open the scriptwriting process to the public, allowing for a more democratic and interactive approach to history-making. “Think of it as a massive, open-world RPG where everyone contributes to the storyline,” explained Dr. Ools. “We’re currently accepting plot ideas for the next global pandemic or economic collapse. Creativity is encouraged!”

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