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Congressperson Proposes Replacing Dollar Bills with Crypto, Immediately Loses Track of Wallet

Last updated on March 29, 2024

WASHINGTON D.C. – A congressional hearing on the potential of replacing the US dollar with a government-backed cryptocurrency descended into farce today when Representative Lionel Witherspoon (R-FL), a vocal proponent of the crypto revolution, admitted he’d lost track of his digital wallet.

“It’s here somewhere,” a flustered Rep. Witherspoon insisted, frantically searching his pockets amidst a jumble of loose change and crumpled receipts. “I had it this morning… or did I transfer those coins to… oh dear.”

Rep. Witherspoon’s sudden inability to locate his crypto fortune is ironic considering his staunch advocacy of the technology. His speeches, filled with phrases like “blockchain revolution” and “decentralized future,” were less convincing when followed by whispered calls to his congressional aide asking for a crash course on how to recover a misplaced crypto wallet.

The hearing room erupted into a mix of laughter and eye rolls. “So, all our savings would exist in a place that even a Congressman can misplace?” scoffed a skeptical Rep. Marjorie Evans (D-CA), known for her old-school preference for cash and a healthy distrust of anything requiring more than one password.

The incident has ignited a firestorm on social media. #CryptoCongress and #FindYourWallet are trending, accompanied by memes depicting Rep. Witherspoon frantically searching for a tiny USB drive at the bottom of a congressional wastepaper bin. Cryptocurrency experts have a field day, alternating between exasperated sighs and “I told you so” commentary pointing to the very volatility and risk that makes crypto so exciting and unpredictable.

Meanwhile, the value of the proposed government-backed “DigiDollar” fluctuates wildly based on the Congressman’s increasingly frantic tweets attempting to remember his password. Wall Street analysts are having a field day and late-night comedians now have enough material for weeks.

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