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Bland Blood at Blood Banks Sparks Outrage Amongst Vampires

The undead community is buzzing – or rather, not buzzing, due to a lackluster blood supply. In a move that would make Count Dracula roll in his elaborately satin-lined coffin, vampires across the nation are lobbying for blood banks to ditch the plain-Jane blood and spice things up with a selection of flavored options.

“We’re not asking for much,” sighs Vlad Tepid, spokesperson for the American Association for the Responsible Undead (AARU). “Just a little variety. Maybe a garlic-infused option for thrill-seekers, a pumpkin spice latte for the basic undead, heck, even a vegan, kale-fed variety for those insufferably virtuous vampires among us.”

The issue of flavorless blood has long been a point of contention within the vampire community. “Sure, we need blood to survive,” laments gothically-inclined vampire influencer Lilith Nightshade on her popular vlog, “But, must it be so…beige?” Her rant immediately goes viral within the undead social network (#BoringBlood #FirstWorldVampireProblems).

Blood banks, understandably, are baffled. “Donating blood is already an act of generosity,” argues a beleaguered Dr. Henrietta Hemoglobin. “Do we really need to worry about taste profiles too? It’s not like we’re running a smoothie stand!”

Surprisingly, some humans are sympathetic to the vampires’ plight. “Honestly, I wouldn’t want to subsist on plain oatmeal day-in-day-out either,” remarks empathetic foodie and occasional blood donor, Sarah Sunshine. “They’re sentient creatures too…even if those fangs give me the creeps.”

The ethical implications are being hotly debated. Should blood be treated like any other food product, or is adding flavor a slippery slope toward blood-sommeliers and an underground black market for “vintage” blood vintages?

In the meantime, entrepreneurial vampires are seizing the opportunity. Pop-up “blood bars” are appearing in trendy neighbourhoods, offering curated menus of flavored blood. Whether this is a positive move towards undead-human relations or the beginning of a very strange culinary takeover remains to be seen.

One thing’s for sure – the classic image of a vampire lusting over a victim’s neck may soon be replaced by the sight of a disgruntled vampire at a blood bank, demanding a blood transfusion with a caramel swirl and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

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