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Global Leaders Announce Plan to Solve Climate Change by Relocating Earth Closer to Mars

Last updated on February 24, 2024

In a groundbreaking announcement that has left environmentalists, scientists, and flat-earthers in a bewildered huddle, global leaders have unveiled their ultimate solution to combat the ever-escalating threat of climate change: relocating Earth closer to Mars. This daring initiative, dubbed “Project Cool Breeze,” aims to reduce Earth’s temperature by leveraging the cooler, more temperate climate of our neighboring planet.

The plan, conceived during a secretive summit held on a newly established space station (funded, of course, by anonymous billionaires with too much money and not enough hobbies), proposes the use of gigantic space engines to gently nudge Earth into a slightly Mars-adjacent orbit. “It’s like moving from the sunny side of the street to the shade,” explained the lead scientist, who requested anonymity due to not wanting his high school science teacher to know he was serious about his “silly ideas.”

Critics argue that the plan might have a few minor side effects, such as altering the length of days, disrupting the tides, and potentially misplacing the moon. However, proponents are quick to point out the upsides, like improved skiing conditions year-round and a drastic reduction in the sale of sunblock.

In response to concerns about the logistics and safety of such a maneuver, a spokesperson for the initiative quipped, “We’ve played a lot of Kerbal Space Program; we totally got this.” Furthermore, to pacify the masses worried about the potential for catastrophic failure, officials have promised a complimentary Mars-view telescope to every household, “So at least you’ll see Mars up close before anything goes terribly wrong,” the spokesperson added with a reassuring smile.

The initiative has received mixed reactions from the public. Some are excited about the prospect of cooler summers, while others are busy updating their wills to include instructions for interplanetary asset transfer. Environmental groups have hailed the move as “innovatively reckless,” a term that’s sparked a trend on social media, with users sharing their own irresponsibly creative solutions to world problems.

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